Relation 8
or
Manifestations of her Spiritual State
which St. Teresa Submitted
to Her Confessors
or
Spiritual Testimonies
or
Relations of the Spirit
. |
Addressed to F. Rodrigo Alvarez. |
1. These interior things of the spirit
are so difficult
- to describe,
and, still more, in such a way as
- to be understood,
the more so
as they pass quickly away,
that, if obedience did not help me,
it would be a chance if I succeeded,
especially in such difficult things.
I implore you, my father,
to take for granted
that it is not in my mind
to think this to be correct,
for it may well be
that I do not understand the matter;
but what I can assure you of is this,
that I will speak of nothing
I have not had experience of
at times, and, indeed, often.
2. I think it will please you, my father,
if I begin by discussing
that which is at the root
of supernatural things;
for that which relates to
devotion, tenderness,
tears, and meditations,
which is in our power here to acquire
by the help of our Lord,
is understood.
3.
The first prayer
of which I was conscious,
-- in my opinion,
supernatural,
-- so I call that
which no skill or effort of ours,
however much we labour,
can attain to,
though we should
prepare ourselves for it,
and that preparation must be
of great service, --
is a certain interior recollection [698]
of which the soul is sensible;
the soul seems to have other senses
within itself then,
which bear some likeness
to the exterior senses it possesses;
and thus the soul,
- withdrawing into itself,
- seeks to go away from the tumult
of its outward senses,
and accordingly
- it drags them away with itself;
- for it closes the eyes on purpose
that it may
neither see,
nor hear,
nor understand anything
but that whereon the soul
is then intent,
which is to be able to converse
with God alone.
In this prayer
there is no suspension
of the faculties and powers
of the soul;
it retains the full use of them;
but the use of them is retained
that they may be occupied with God.
This will be easily understood by him
whom our Lord shall have raised
to this state;
but by him whom He has not,
not; at least,
such a one will have need
of many words and illustrations.
4. Out of this recollection
grow a
certain quietude and
inward peace most full of comfort;
for the soul is in such a state
that it does not seem to it
that it wants anything;
for even speaking wearies it,
-- I mean by this,
vocal prayer and meditation;
it would do nothing but love.
This lasts some time,
and even a long time.
5. Out of this prayer comes usually
what is called
a sleep of the faculties;
but they are
not so absorbed
nor so suspended
as that it can be called a trance;
nor is it altogether union.
6. Sometimes, and even often,
the soul is aware
that the will alone is in union;
and this it sees very clearly,
--that is, it seems so to it.
The will is wholly intent upon God, and
the soul sees
that it has no power
to rest on,
or do, anything else;
and at the same time
the two other faculties
are at liberty
to attend to other matters
of the service of God,
--in a word,
Martha and Mary are together. [699]
I asked Father Francis [700]
if this was a delusion,
for it made me stupid;
and his reply was,
that it often happened.
7.
When all the faculties of the soul
are in union,
it is a very different state of things;
for they can then do nothing whatever,
because
the understanding is surprised,
as it were.
The will loves
more than
the understanding knows;
but the understanding
does not know
that the will loves,
nor what it is doing,
so as to be able in any way
to speak of it.
As to the memory,
the soul, I think, has none then,
nor any power of thinking,
nor are the senses awake,
but rather as lost,
so that the soul
may be the more occupied
with the object of its fruition:
so it seems to me.
They are lost but for a brief interval;
it passes quickly away.
By the wealth of humility,
and other virtues and desires,
left in the soul after this
may be learnt
how great the blessing is
that flows from this grace,
but it cannot be told what it is;
for, though the soul applies itself
to the understanding of it,
it can
neither understand
nor explain it.
This, if it be real, is, in my opinion,
the greatest grace
wrought by our Lord
on this spiritual road,
-- at least, it is one of the greatest.
8.
Raptures and trance, in my opinion,
are all one,
only I am in the habit of using
the word, trance,
instead of rapture,
because the latter word
frightens people;
and, indeed, the union
of which I am speaking
may also be called a trance.
The difference between
union and trance
is this,
that the latter (trance)
- lasts longer and
- is more visible outwardly,
because the breathing
gradually diminishes,
so that it becomes impossible
to speak or
to open the eyes;
and though this very thing occurs
when the soul is in union,
there is more violence in a trance
for the natural warmth vanishes,
I know not how,
when the rapture is deep;
and in all these kinds of prayer
there is more or less of this.
When it is deep,
as I was saying,
the hands
become cold, and
sometimes stiff and straight
as pieces of wood;
as to the body,
if the rapture comes on
when it is standing or kneeling,
it remains so; [701]
and the soul is so full of the joy
of that which our Lord
is setting before it,
that it seems to
forget to animate the body, and
abandons it.
If the rapture lasts,
the nerves are made to feel it.
9. It seems to me
that our Lord will have
the soul know
more of that,
the fruition of which it has,
in a trance
than in union,
and accordingly in a rapture
the soul receives most commonly
certain revelations of His Majesty,
and the effects thereof on the soul
are great,
-- a forgetfulness of self,
through the longing it has
that God our Lord,
who is so high,
may be known and praised.
In my opinion,
if the rapture be from God,
the soul cannot fail to obtain
a deep conviction
of its own helplessness, and
of its wretchedness and ingratitude,
in that it has not served Him
Who,
of His own goodness only,
bestows upon it graces so great;
for the feeling and the sweetness
are so high above all things
that may be compared therewith
that, if the recollection of them
did not pass away,
all the satisfactions of earth
would be always loathsome to it; and
hence comes the contempt
for all the things of the world.
10.
The difference between
trance and transport [702]
is this, --
in a trance the soul
gradually dies to outward things,
losing the senses and
living unto God.
A transport
comes on by one sole act of His Majesty,
wrought in the innermost part of the soul
with such swiftness
that it is as if the higher part thereof
were carried away,
and the soul leaving the body.
Accordingly it requires courage at first
to throw itself into the arms of our Lord,
that He may take it
whithersoever He will;
for, until His Majesty establishes it
in peace there
whither He is pleased to take it
-- by take it
I mean the admitting of it
to the knowledge of deep things--
it certainly requires in the beginning
to be firmly resolved
to die for Him,
because the poor soul does not know
what this means
-- that is, at first.
The virtues, as it seems to me,
remain stronger after this,
for there is a growth in detachment,
and the power of God,
who is so mighty,
is the more known,
so that the soul loves and fears Him.
For so it is,
He carries away the soul,
no longer in our power,
as the true Lord thereof,
which is filled with
a deep sorrow
for having offended Him, and
astonishment
that it ever dared
to offend a Majesty so great,
with an exceedingly earnest desire
that none may
henceforth offend Him, and
that all may praise Him.
This, I think, must be the source
of those very fervent desires
for the salvation of souls, and
for some share therein, and
for the due praising of God.
11.
The flight of the spirit
-- I know not how to call it--
is a rising upwards
from the very depths of the soul.
I remember only this comparison, and
I made use of it before,
as you know, my father,
in that writing where these
and other ways of prayer
are explained at length, [703]
and such is my memory
that I forget things at once.
It seems to me
that soul and spirit
are one and the same thing;
but only as a fire,
if it is great and ready for burning;
so, like fire burning rapidly,
the soul, in that preparation of itself
which is the work of God,
sends up a flame,
-- the flame ascends on high,
but the fire thereof
is the same as that below,
nor does the flame cease to be fire
because it ascends:
so here, in the soul,
something so subtile and so swift,
seems to issue from it,
that ascends to the higher part,
and goes thither
whither our Lord wills.
I cannot go further with the explanation;
it seems a flight,
and I know of nothing else
wherewith to compare it:
I know that it cannot be mistaken,
for it is most evident
when it occurs,
and that it cannot be hindered.
12. This little bird of the spirit
seems to have escaped
out of this wretchedness of the flesh,
out of the prison of this body,
and now, disentangled therefrom,
is able to be the more intent
on that which our Lord is giving it.
The flight of the spirit
is something so fine,
of such inestimable worth,
as the soul perceives it,
that all delusion therein
seems impossible,
or anything of the kind,
when it occurs.
It was afterwards
that fear arose,
because she who received this grace
was so wicked;
for she saw
what good reasons she had
to be afraid of everything,
though in her innermost soul
there remained
an assurance and
a confidence
wherein she was able to live,
but not enough
to make her cease
from the anxiety
she was in
not to be deceived.
13.
By impetus,
I mean that desire
which at times
rushes into the soul,
without being preceded by prayer,
and this is most frequently the case;
it is a sudden remembering
that the soul is away from God,
or of a word it has heard
to that effect.
This remembering is occasionally
so strong and vehement
that the soul in a moment
becomes as if the reason were gone,
just like a person
who suddenly
- hears most painful tidings
of which he knew not before,
- or is surprised;
such a one seems
deprived of the power
of collecting his thoughts
for his own comfort,
and is as one lost.
So is it in this state,
except that the suffering
arises from this,
that there abides in the soul
a conviction that it would be
well worth dying in it.
It seems
that whatever the soul then perceives
does but increase its suffering, and
that our Lord will have its whole being
find no comfort in anything,
nor remember that it is His will
that it should live:
the soul seems to itself to be
in great and indescribable loneliness,
and abandoned of all,
because the world, and all that is in it,
gives it pain; and
because it finds no companionship
in any created thing,
the soul seeks its Creator alone,
and this it sees to be impossible
unless it dies;
and as it must not kill itself,
it is dying to die,
and there is really a risk of death,
and it sees itself hanging
between heaven and earth,
not knowing what to do with itself.
And from time to time
God gives it
a certain knowledge of Himself,
that it may see what it loses,
in a way so strange
that no explanation of it is possible;
and there is no pain in the world
--at least I have felt none --
that is equal or like unto this,
for if it lasts but half an hour
the whole body is out of joint, and
the bones so racked,
that I am not able
to write with my hands:
the pains I endure
are most grievous. [704]
14. But nothing of all this
is felt
till the impetus shall have passed away.
He to whom it comes
has enough to do in enduring
that which is going on within him,
nor do I believe that he would feel
if he were grievously tortured:
he
is in possession of all his senses,
can speak, and even observe;
walk about he cannot,
-- the great blow of that love
throws him down to the ground.
If we were to die to have this,
it would be of no use,
for it cannot be
except when God sends it.
It leaves great effects and blessings
in the soul.
Some learned men say
that it is this,
others
that it is that,
but no one condemns it.
The Father-Master d'Avila
wrote to me and
said it was good,
and so say all.
The soul clearly understands
that it is a great grace from our Lord;
were it to occur more frequently,
life would not last long.
15. The ordinary impetus is,
that this desire of serving God
comes on with a certain tenderness,
accompanied with tears,
out of a longing to depart
from this land of exile;
but as the soul retains its freedom,
wherein it reflects
that its living on
is according to our Lord's will,
it takes comfort in that thought, and
offers its life to Him,
beseeching Him
that it may last only
for His glory.
This done, it bears all.
16.
Another prayer very common
is a certain kind of wounding; [705]
for it really seems to the soul
as if an arrow were thrust
through the heart, or
through itself.
Thus it causes great suffering,
which makes the soul complain;
but the suffering is so sweet,
that it wishes it never would end.
The suffering is
not one of sense,
neither is the wound physical;
it is in the interior of the soul,
without any appearance
of bodily pain;
but as I cannot explain it
except by comparing it
with other pains,
I make use of these clumsy expressions,
--for such they are
when applied to this suffering.
I cannot, however, explain it
in any other way.
It is, therefore,
neither to be written of
nor spoken of,
because it is impossible
for any one to understand it
who has not had experience of it,
--I mean,
how far the pain can go;
for the pains of the spirit
are very different
from those of earth.
I gather, therefore, from this,
that the souls in hell and purgatory
suffer more than we can imagine,
by considering these pains
of the body.
17. At other times,
this wound of love seems to issue
from the inmost depth
of the soul;
great are the effects of it;
and when our Lord does not inflict it,
there is no help for it,
whatever we may do to obtain it;
nor can it be avoided
when it is His pleasure to inflict it.
The effects of it
are those longings after God,
so quick and so fine
that they cannot be described
and when the soul sees itself
hindered and kept back
from entering, as it desires,
on the fruition of God,
it conceives a great loathing
for the body,
on which it looks as a thick wall
which hinders it from that fruition
which it then seems
to have entered upon within itself,
and unhindered by the body.
It then comprehends the great evil
that has befallen us
through the sin of Adam
in robbing us of this liberty. [706]
18.
This prayer
I had before
the raptures and the great impetuosities
I have been speaking of.
I forgot to say
that these great impetuosities
scarcely ever leave me,
except through a trance or great sweetness
in our Lord,
whereby He
comforts the soul, and
gives it courage to live on for His sake.
19. All this that I speak of
cannot be the effect of the imagination;
and I have some reasons
for saying this,
but it would be wearisome
to enter on them:
whether it be good or not
is known to our Lord.
The effects thereof,
and how it profits the soul,
pass all comprehension,
as it seems to me.
20.
I see clearly
that the Persons are distinct,
as I saw it yesterday
when you, my father, were talking
to the Father Provincial;
only I
saw nothing, and
heard nothing,
as, my father, I have already told you.
But there is a strange certainty about it,
though the eyes of the soul see nothing;
and when the presence is withdrawn,
that withdrawal is felt.
How it is,
I know not;
but I do know very well
that it is not an imagination,
because I cannot reproduce the vision
when it is over,
even if I were to perish in the effort;
but I have tried to do so.
So is it
with all that I have spoken of here,
so far as I can see;
for, as I have been in this state
for so many years,
I have been able to observe,
so that I can say so with this confidence.
The truth is,
--and you, my father,
should attend to this,--
that, as to the Person who always speaks,
I can certainly say which of Them
He seems to me to be;
of the others I cannot say so much.
One of Them
I know well
has never spoken.
I never knew why,
nor do I busy myself
in asking more of God
than He is pleased to give,
because in that case, I believe,
I should be deluded by Satan, at once;
nor will I ask now,
because of the fear I am in.
21.
I think
the First spoke to me at times;
but as I do not remember
that very well now,
nor what it was that He spoke,
I will not venture to say so.
It is all written,
-- you, my father, know here,--
and more at large than it is here;
I know not
whether in the same words or not. [707]
Though the Persons
are distinct in a strange way,
the soul knows One only God.
I do not remember
that our Lord ever seemed to speak to me
but in His Human Nature;
and -- I say it again --
I can assure you
that this is no imagination.
22. What, my father,
you say about the water,
I know not;
nor have I heard
where the earthly paradise is.
I have already said
that I cannot but listen
to what our Lord tells me;
I hear it because I cannot help myself;
but, as for asking His Majesty
to reveal anything to me,
that is what I have never done.
In that case,
I should immediately think
I was imagining things, and
that I must be in a delusion of Satan.
God be praised,
I have never been curious about things,
and I do not care
to know more than I do. [708]
What I have learnt,
without seeking to learn,
as I have just said,
has been a great trouble to me,
though it has been the means,
I believe,
which our Lord made use of
to save me,
seeing that I was so wicked;
good people do not need so much
to make them serve His Majesty.
23.
I remember another way of prayer
which I had
before the one I mentioned first,
-- namely, a presence of God,
which is not a vision at all.
It seems that any one,
if he recommends himself
to His Majesty,
even if he only prays vocally,
finds Him;
every one, at all times,
can do this,
if we except seasons of aridity.
May He grant I may not
by my own fault
lose mercies so great, and
may He have compassion on me!
_______________________
Foot Notes:
[698] Inner Fortress, iv. ch. iii.
[699] See [504]Life, ch. xvii. § 5.
[700] Compare [505]Life, ch. xxiv. § 4.
[701] See [506]Life, ch. xx. § 23.
[702] "Arrobamiento y arrebatamiento."
[703] See [507]Life, chs. xx. and [508]xxi.
[704] [509]Life, ch. xx. § 16;
Inner Fortress, vi. c. xi.
[705] See [510]Life, ch. xxix. § 17.
[706] See [511]Life, ch. xvii. § 9.
[707] See [512]Relation, iii. § 6.
[708] See St. John of the Cross,
[513]Ascent of Mount Carmel,
bk. ii. ch. xxii.
. |
~ End of Chapter 8 ~ . |
